Vipassana 1

Oct 16 2017

Before my first retreat I had done my research... read everything on the site... watched everything on youtube

Watching the videos of the Dhamma talks had been kind of a mistake...

Well... in my case they didn't discourage me from doing the course so that's the important part. But I did get confused. I was annoyed that the earth/water/fire/air elements were being used to explain things... didn't seem scientific.

... I also didn't understand the meditation techinque... how to sit and what exactly to observe... I was trying to learn and practice by myself and basically just felt a lot of pain in my body and confusion in my mind

I was sure I was doing it wrong... so after 5-10 minutes I'd usually give up... one time I forced myself to keep at it for 20 minutes... when I stood up my legs felt like they had shattered under me... they were just a bit numb in reality.

When I finally got to go... What excitement... I knew it was gonna help me... Help me to change everything... There was a comfort in that knowing... even though I didn't know what/how

I remember arriving and already being very quiet... I made myself a tea and watched the other students roll in.  I remember thinking they talked too much and too loudly. I was starting to crave silence... a silence I had never known.

Then the gong rang... the course began with instructions. Are you ready to follow the rules for 10 days? Easy. Are you committed to stay? Yes.

Each day I followed the timetable... Each day making a greater effort... What a trip... What a revelation... The days passed slowly at first... I kept waking up... From deep sleeps... sometimes sitting upright... The layers of my skin were dusting off... and finally the storms came... the big waves crashed into me... tempting me to call these motherfuckers out... let 'em know I'm tough and they can't fuck with me... I can fuck with who I want.... I can do what I want... Ahh that voice was getting clearer... so loud... what a joke... I learned to hug that voice... to ease the worry without caving in... and then a raibow... a river of compassion... the warm light of peace started shining... everyone can know this... everyone should know this... I was starting to run through those who had hurt me... how much they would benefit... and those that I held in my heart... what benefit they could have... All the messages I thought about writing then... all the conversations that were to come...sometime... soon... maybe....

I stopped running on that day. Running away. Running in my mind. Running in my heart.

I remember having calls with my parents... they cried. I went to work and had a lunch with a colleague.... she cried. Everything got sensitive... people were feeling they could tell me things... they shared and cried... and sometimes I had a tear in my eye. If only I knew how to tell you...

it's worth a try.