This is who I am.
My purpose in life is to understand myself. My only promise is that I work at this every day of my life. I'm on the earth to overcome myself. The rest of this is just about how far I got.
I've realized and identified that I have a lot of flaws- things that have been with me since i was born.
Examples:
I overlook things like people's feelings a lot of times, I'm depressive, moody, unrealistic, I have expectations that contradict each other, for people that decide to be around me -I cause [...] tension, I cause frustration, and loneliness. A lot of times I'm oversensitive - at the same time I rarely express myself properly.
I fall to people's expectations. When someone expects me to be stupid, careless, or ignorant i go along with it.
I go along with my reputation. When I know what people think of me, when they think [...], not only do I not counter it, but I encourage their beliefs. When someone guesses [...], whether I have or not, I'll put on a stupid smirk or laugh and even by not saying anything suggest that the assumption is true. Whether it is or not.
I'm disorganized, unmotivated, and I have no discipline.
I am extremely narcissistic. I flex in mirrors - usually mirrors in other people's rooms. I walk around shirtless expecting people to comment on my body. And the joke is on me because people [...] will never have anything to say about how I look. - Yes I know, because its awkward.
I'm overindulgent. I take way too long in the shower, I oversleep constantly, I eat like a pig, and even when I fuck, I expect people to have a limitless number of hours to dedicate to the act.
I'm very inconsistent. I wake up a certain person, and by the time I got to sleep I'm someone different, after only a few hours of sleeping after that I wake up someone new again. My priorities get fucked over by this - cause they keep fucking changing.
I can't dance. I don't know who I'm kidding.. But I usually enjoy it - and sometimes (rarely) I don't even find it awkward.
I'm way too fucking tall and lanky, and my shoulders are too narrow. I have a serious lack of sense of humor, I take jokes the wrong way, and I usually make really bad ones.
I have no concept of jealousy. I don't get jealous - and people get hurt by this. And sometimes i use this to rationalize why other people should not be jealous of me.
I LIE CONSTANTLY - If I can bend the truth to either encourage expectations people predefine for me, or just to make myself sound more interesting, sometimes even to make myself sound like a loser, just to see the reaction I get- or to make people feel sorry for me (THAT'S DEFINITELY A BIG ONE). I lie about my feelings, about how I see people, about how much I care about people. I'll probably even pretend that my dreams were actual events that happened.
Now try to realize - THIS LIST IS NOT COMPLETE, I'm still working on it. In fact if anyone wants to add to it I hope you do on your own terms- but I hope you do. Some suggestion for how: write me an anonymous note or email, post it on my facebook, tell someone else about it, start a rumor about it, hint at me about what it is, tell me what it is, or scream it in my face while trying to kill me because it pisses you off so much - I will accept any of those forms of suggestion.
There's more...
Regardless of all that shit - there are things that people actually do sometimes like about me.
Examples:
I'm very passionate. I'm a romantic. I love women, I love giving (and receiving) massages. I can be smart on occasion. I can produce a few good ideas. I'm not a bad problem solver. I like making people feel protected and safe. I like assuring people when they're in doubt. I like to support people.
I practice martial arts and I learn a lot from it. Even though I'm used to kicking opponents in the face and physically dominating them in things like Taekwondo, Boxing, Jiu Jitsu, Kickboxing, wrestling........ I can knock someone out in a litmitless number of ways, I know how to snap almost any joint, and how to break most bones in an efficient way. BUT I never have. I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of killing a fly. I can hurt a fly - but I try not too. I'll talk to a fly and tell it to leave (as if it fucking understands) and than kill it cause it annoys the fuck out of me and it's otherwise a meaningless insect
I have a pretty hard shell on the outside. But the real me is soft. I get overwhelmed by art, by love, by people who care about me. I cry at poetry, music, the sight of the sun shining through my dorm window, I tear up when I look at paintings in museums, especially regarding sacrifice and commitment.
I try to motivate people. I try to help bring out people's insecurities so that they can overcome them. I try to get people to overcome their boundaries and expand their comfort zone. I do the same thing with myself. I'll do things I'm scared of just for the thrill, and so that I get used to the idea of it.
I try to laugh as much as i can. To complement, to kiss, to love. I put myself out for people. I let myself be vulnerable. I let people have influence. I tell people about my flaws because I'm asking for help. I know I can't get over these things alone.
I've let you into me. You have some power at this point. You have as much knowledge as I do about how I function. You know how to see past my lies and my other flaws. You also know the things that affect me, and have the power to change me.
Think about this for a moment. Who am I? [...] Is it possible that those things the led you to believe that may not have been true from the very beginning? I want to know if you think that we are so different?
This is my asking for an opinion: What do you see when you look my way? And maybe more importantly - what do you think I see when I look your way?
How people see me:
Others see me as malicious and hurtful. even people that I love and want to support hate me.
I am Frankensteins monster.